Grace

Courtney and I have been introduced to a new word.  That word is palliate.  It is a verb that means to relieve without curing.  The phrase "palliative care" comes up often.  This type of care forgoes attempts at curing a condition in an effort to maximize the quality of life.  What an awful proposition this is.  I hated this phrase and the awful implications the minute I ran across it.  

When Raina was diagnosed, we experienced about 48 hours of despair and a vague but huge sense of loss.  After this initial period something changed...  It happened in Courtney first.  The sorrow and fear transformed in part to a need to take action.  It manifested as intense research, questioning and documenting.  Seeing her galvanize amidst the chaos in the hospital gave me strength.  Like an invisible referee had brought us into the ring with Raina's tumor, made us shake hands and yelled 'fight!'.  Since that moment I really have viewed this as a fight.  I think that's a common reaction when an illness is diagnosed.  

It appears highly likely that we can achieve some small victories against Raina's tumor. It is also likely that we will destroy the person that we love in the process.  The stakes in this game are bewildering.   

As I reflect and ponder the potential outcomes, I have gained a respect for the notion of palliative care.  I hate the phrase as much as I did two weeks ago.  But I am learning that there is something to be said for dying with dignity and grace.  So often we are not afforded the choice.